(no subject)

All I meant to say was, I stopped caring everytime I felt depressed.

I don't know how it got blown out of proportion, but its what I get for sharing my thoughts, right?

20/20 foresight is a bitch. Even more than hindsight. Least the mistakes are passed at that point.

Hate to say 'told you so.' or 'saw it coming'. I see it before two even trade words.

Worst part is no one admits anything yet. That I'm right or was true.

Don't go settlin on me

I keep moving
I go from house to house
I stay committed
Like one foot in, one foot out
I bounce
Yeah I'm leaving this place
Divorce papers falling out my briefcase

Miss Intuition, the half-truth harlot
Got her suspicions
Lacks proof but wants it
I've been practicin grabbin the noose when the knot slips
Rewiring my mind to make the firing squad miss
And while they're busy reloading
I'm decoding the messages she sent with this key I keep holding
But it's a copy
And the lock seems broken
Got me chokin' on discussions I cannot keep open
I'm fully clothed in this cock-tease moment
The last cigarette sits between my lips
But I will not smoke it
While it dangled I got strangled by a second hand
Broke the ropes when I held my breath and let my chest expand
Threw the stogie to the lonely hitman for hire
Told him that he owed me and he showed me his hand's on fire
We didn't shake on it
He nodded, I nodded back
He lit the cigarette with his finger and dropped the gat
I started walking the tracks you should've tied me to
I waited for a train to hop but stopped to say good-bye to you
When I turned my head
I heard what you said:
"Murder him dead and try to do it with the girl in his bed"
So I fled
As I remembered one should never look back
There's no direction home only blood on the tracks
Stuck in the past
I jetted and left the red footprints for them to follow
Headed toward tomorrow
And took sips from the flask
That you bought me
For my sober anniversary
Her dad tracks my scent
She's got her old man in search of me
He knows where I'm headed, he's been there
King of the home
Sits on his throne like it's an electric chair
I'm the heir to that domestic death sentence
I see people accepting lethal injections
Dead in seconds
They confused prison for a bed in breakfast
Used their one call on voicemail to see who left a message
Could it be her?
Could it be!?
They're desperate
Mad at me cause they lack a strategy for exit
Nobody pregnant, nobody get burped
I got lost on this head trip but won't talk to an expert
My legs hurt cuz I've been walking with cement boots
Ever since you lured me to the water bed to get cute
She had a wet suit and dry dispostion
But couldn't execute that type of mission
It's no small time thing organizing my ending
My book of life
Is a "Choose Your Own Adventure"
With a circular section
You can tell your friends I walked all over you
But you know that's not what these boots were made to do
In fact, you had them crafted at the store
Said, "Baby, slip em on" but I don't know what you take me for.
I knew what was up once I felt nailed to the floor
And since the key didnt work I kicked my way through the door

I keep moving
I go from house to house
I stay committed like one foot in, one foot out
I bounce
Yeah I'm leaving this place
Divorce papers falling out my briefcase

I keep moving
I go from house to house
I stay committed like one foot in, one foot out
I bounce
Yeah I'm leaving this place
Divorce papers falling the fuck out my briefcase

I am no destination
I am just the journey
So don't go settling on me, love
No, don't go settling on me

I am no destination
I am just the journey
So don't go settling on me, love
No, don't go settling on me

I am no destination
I am just the journey
So don't go settling on me, love
No, don't go settling on me

Speak of me in your travels
Take pictures if you please
But don't go settling on me, love
No don't go settling on me

There is a brighter world

Something came up, unexpected. An email from a friend.

A friend I've known as long as I've known God (You, Alan). Which makes him a credible individual.

He lives over in the Netherlands as an entrepenuer. On msn, I just signed on (having been a year) and I get a message from him, that was sent earlier this month. We haven't talked /in a year/.

"We need to discuss things."

I see him signed on, we talk but he's in a rush. Apparently I've got an offer and knowing him, I have an idea of what it implies..


My only question is, would I drop everything for this?

Ended

I broke up with her. I couldn't take it anymore. I'm depressed as is and she was like salt on the wound, without the added health benefits.

Besides, there is a brighter world out there. New people, new friends, and.. New things in general.

The world is an exciting place, if I only I didn't have to be a criminal to enjoy it. I'll post more tonight.

EDIT: That made her sound bad. She was salt on the wound, cause I couldn't make her happy it felt like. And cause I couldn't help her, I felt more hurt being a failure. Me making her miserable made me moreso. She wasn't a bad thing at all.

I started

Crying for no reason. I couldn't keep control of it. I want out. I want out of this life now.

I know, this long term depression was a side effect of my attempts to sleep as a child. Its complete bullshit though. I didn't know they'd do this shit, but I fucking get it now.

A wolf acting as a shepard

I don't understand. No matter the questions, the thoughts, the constant stopping and pondering, why is it that I feel like a villian dressed as a good guy? I'll explain. There is always statements like, a good guy doing bad things or a bad guy doing good things. I feel as of the latter of two statements. My thoughts are dark, amoral, my humor is disgusting, and what I want and am willing to do is horrifying. Yet... I have a hero complex. In the few degrees of guilt that exist, I may laugh at a person with Parkinson's, but I will risk my life to save a puppy. I may crack a racial joke or tell a man, all ready on a suicidal edge, to do it, but I'd run into a burning building to save someone.

I've threatened to kill a man for merely feeling like he disrespected and I've saved another's life on a whim.

Can anyone classify this? Can anyone offer their thoughts?